Jigsaw Piece

Morning of September 8 (or 7 or 6- don’t remember), 2011, Waitara

This morning when I woke up, it was a relief: A kind of relief that you attain after concluding a wearisome emotional turmoil. Probably it this unfinished, no rather undone task that was lingering in my subconscious mind and today I feel it’s completed. Well- this was a dream I had in the early hours of morning. I dreamt that Nana is on his way to abandon his mortal self. There is a sense of loss and grieve, there is also a sense of logic- someone in the background said, “He had been missing Nani a lot after she passed away…” Everyone around is acknowledging the fact that its time to bid him goodbye. I felt remorse, love and the pain of his separation.

Apart from that sole event during Sanjay mama’s marriage, when he covered me with a rough khadi blanket and asked Shree-Narayan mama to get me hot cup of Complan, he was always a figure who inspired discipline and righteousness rather than uncharted fondness or coddling. I do remember playing Chaau- Maau with him, bhaiya , Appu didi -holding ears of each other in a circle, yes that was fun… And the great excitement and curiosity we had when he brandished his walking stick amusingly calling it ‘Samjhavan’; that was fun too. Morning walks with him in the NCC grounds were fun: But most of the memories revolve around his concerning statements regarding self-improvement, hindi-spelling improvement and well-being in general. He was always man with a mission irrespective of his age or relationship and the gravity of his purpose often showed on his face. All the display of affection came under Nani’s profile, so even when he was aging and on his death bed, I probably had a feeling that he was on his usual right way. And I felt vindicated by this fact (even as a child I had heard many times) about the ‘Bhrigusamhita’ reading that this was his last birth and after his death he is to attain Nirvana.

Mummy had immediately left for Jhansi on hearing of his declining health, Bhaiya who was doing his MBA at Indore, rushed to Jhansi and could cater to Nana, I had my BSc. Exams happening soon and hence reached there for the Shanti Havan ,only after Nana’s demise. I tried giving emotional support to Mummy. But other than that, it was all ritualistic. I was supportive, prudent, clear-headed….. but probably had missed on the remorse, love and the pain of his separation.

The dream last night- filled out this missing piece in the jigsaw puzzle on the top. And today is a BEAUTIFUL NEW MORNING, with lots of challenges, efforts, emotions and probably a fewer riddles.